Imperfect Progress

I came across a phrase this week: Imperfect Progress. The explanation that came after it read: slow steps of progress wrapped in grace. To me, those are beautiful words. Words that stop you and cause you to reread them, slowly drinking them in and feeling a gracious release of weight.

I don't know when I developed a perfectionist mindset, but somewhere along the lines I clearly did. I'm not alone in it either, God only knows how many others out there stop and do a double take at a phrase like "imperfect progress". The thing about a perfectionist mindset is that it's not realistic...or even healthy. In fact, I think it diminishes learning and performance more than elevating it.

 
During college tennis I went through this drought where my serve completely disappeared. I mean, I'm not talking a double fault here and there, I'm talking gone. Like, Gone Girl gone (great book, by the way). I couldn't get a serve in half the time to save my life...in fact I can confidently say I would have been even less likely to get it in if my life had depended on it. So, I did what any perfectionist athlete would do and I hit the court...harder. Clearly three to four hours a day wasn't enough, I needed more -a lot more. Except, that didn't fix the problem. Not even close. Maybe, it even made it worse.  The fact was I already knew how to serve. But, there were outside factors in my life at that time that had changed my mindset, and deep down there was an unconscious fear that didn't believe in my ability to serve anymore. Fear, even unconscious, can change the way our brain and body react. Combine that fear with a perfectionist outlook and you may begin to see a jaded view of progress.

The point is: our mindset and the framework of words and beliefs, or disbelief, we feed ourselves strongly correlates to our performance. I know this isn't just me because the fact is there's a whole juicy market out there in sports psychology. But, it got me thinking: it's not just sports. This applies to all learning and performance. It applies to problem solving. And problem solving directly feeds into literacy, mathematics, science, you name it.

Some of my first graders already struggle with a perfectionist mindset. One thing about first graders is that they are very concrete. There is right and there is wrong. There is good and there is bad. It can be a challenge helping them to see that there isn't only back and white, but also many shades of grey. However; adult influences on them are so strong at this young age while their minds and beliefs are molding. They need the right words to give themselves. It's crucial they learn that progress is slow, and should be wrapped in grace. That mistakes lend themselves to that progress, and aren't a sign of failure. Because, at the end of the day a child who believes that they can learn to read is going to make far more progress than a child who secretly fears they won't be able to read. And that has nothing to do with skills they know (I'm not saying teaching skills isn't important -it is!). We need to be teaching them the proper verbage to use in their own self-talk in order to see risk as opportunity rather than a fear to avoid. It's vital I'm teaching the whole child in order to set them up for a life of successful problem solving and learning.

Sometimes It's What We Don't Say

Remember not only to say the right thing at the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. - Benjamin Franklin

This past weekend was fantastic. The kind where you don't set an alarm clock, and instead spend the morning enjoying copious amounts of hazelnut french-pressed coffee while perusing blogs with your loved one- education and lifestyle for her, and sports for him. The type where you relax with your family -both sides, and spend hours coloring and rough housing with your niece. The kind where you spend two hours making gnocchi and gouda cheese sauce from scratch. The fantastic kind of weekend.

Well, Sunday morning I got a little bit too much into that carefree, relaxed feeling. Okay, I get too relaxed and carefree every Sunday morning. I don't know what it is, but I make myself, and my husband, late for church every. single. weekend. Seriously. I could start getting ready an hour early, and I'd still find a way to make us a minute or two late. It's like it's my calling (no, it's definitely not, but you'd think it was). Since I'm so consistent in my late-running ways, Pete likes to gently encourage me to start getting ready a few minutes early each Sunday. I usually give him the "I have plenty of time, I'll start in 5 minutes" routine, and this week was no different. You know what else was no different? Me...walking out the door 10 minutes late. When I looked at the time I felt my chest fall as I realized my habit in lateness continued. I slipped into the car and waited for it...you know, one of the many variations of the "I told you so, when are you going to get it" type of phrases. A couple of minutes went by and I didn't hear anything. Where was it?? Surely we weren't going to drive all the way to church without one comment on my tardiness. So, I waited a bit longer. Nothing. It's now 3 days later and I still haven't heard anything, so I think I'm safe at this point to say it isn't coming.

Once inside church we met with our small group. We're doing a study together on The 5 Love Languages and one of the love languages is Words of Affirmation. At the end, we were asked to reflect on a recent time we had received words of affirmation. It was then that I realized the greatest source of affirmation I had received that day, were the words Pete didn't speak to me in the car that morning. By refraining from commenting on how I was late again, he silently voiced to me "It's okay. I know you're trying, and that's enough".


I felt such a huge weight of relief, and quite honestly love, from Pete when he didn't voice the all too easy "you did it again" words. He was showing me love in his silence.He knows me, and therefore he knows I'm usually harder on myself than anyone else could be anyways. Because of that, I think he subconsciously knew that the best way he could help me was just to say nothing at all.

 If some people speak and feel love dominantly through words, they can probably feel hurt just as intensely from words. Therefore; I think that what we don't say has just as much ability to love, help, and encourage people as what we do say.

It's a challenging thing- knowing when to speak, and when not to speak. But, it's pretty exciting too. To get to know yourself on a deeper level, know others better, slowing down and reflecting in order to be able to communicate in a more effective, and positive way.....it's a huge growth opportunity. An adventure, really. One that I'm pretty excited to begin.

Whose Fault is it Anyways?

This afternoon I looked up at the clock and it read 1:24. Art was going to start in precisely one minute. And where were we? Scattered around the room like little lost lambs trying to figure out how to clean-up our first rotation of math stations properly. Crap. I looked at the noise and the chaos around me, and I could hear the imaginary clock in my head ticking away....30 seconds until art...15 seconds until art....the art teacher is probably standing at the door right now. My voice began to tense, my words began to get shorter and more terse as I let the kids know their art time was beginning and they needed to be lined up oh...3 minutes ago? I didn't have a mirror, but I can imagine that my face probably looked less serene than the more calm version of myself. Sometimes, getting to specials on time can feel like running late for an appointment in a 5 o'clock traffic jam on the freeway.

Finally, we're ready. 1:27....1:29 by the time we arrive.

On the way back to the room, my body relaxed. The flush in my rosacea-prone cheeks probably began to settle. And suddenly it hit me: it wasn't the childrens' fault we had been late to art -it was mine. I had carefully crafted out a schedule where we could fit in one round of math stations before specials...if we stopped by 1:20. Except, that day, I didn't signal them to clean up until 1:23 (I sound extreme but I'm telling ya, every minute counts with these little ones). On top of that, I had given them a box completely stuffed full of popsicle sticks at one of their stations. And, I expected them to figure out how to fit all of them back in properly, with no modeling, within one minute on their first try? Five and six year olds? HA. The joke was definitely on me this time.

The point is, I allowed myself to get short, and firm, with others over something that was actually my own doing. Now, there are days when they have more than enough time to clean-up and line-up, and well, it's just not happening unless I learn to perform miracles. I like to hope that those times are not on me - that's just how it goes with kids some days. This wasn't one of those days though. This time I was responsible, and I had a lesson to learn. And that's okay- as long as my eyes and heart are open in order to receive it.

It was a crucial reminder. Kids need time, modeling, and more time. I needed to take responsibility for that, instead of putting it on them to feel responsible. Next time, I will.

I think this actually happens in many areas of our lives. How often do we internally place responsibility, or blame, on others for something that was actually our own doing? We can't believe how long the barista is taking to make our drink, we're going to be late for our appointment! Except, actually, we didn't leave ten minutes earlier to allow for a coffee run in the first place. The list could go on and on. It could get more personal, and hit a bit sharper in the heart. I get it though, the lesson's there, and I'm ready to learn.


When circumstances begin to turn, and feelings of blame begin to arise, it's important to take an unbiased look at our role in the situation. After all, if we can't admit our mistakes, how can we allow room for growth? To me, being closed off to growth is a far greater loss than making an error. I'll take responsibility for the mistake instead, please. At least then, there's room for change. Change that is actually within our own control ;).

26 Lessons for 26 Years

Today, I'm celebrating my birthday turning 27. Technically, I started yesterday, but today I get to celebrate with my family. Tonight, we're going over to my parents house for a small party and my mom makes the best lasagna in the world. You can't even imagine the ooey, gooey, cheesy delight that lies within this specialty dish. She's made it for me every year since I can remember, and just getting to go over and eat it with my family is the greatest gift in the world from her.

Anyways, this past year was huge for me, so I wanted to reflect on everything I've begun to learn in my 26th year, so I can carry into my 27th as I continue to learn, and grow!

1. Growth is s  l  o  w sometimes. When you plant a watermelon seed, three months can go by and you still don't have the watermelon. You can learn many wonderful life lessons every day, but that doesn't mean you're going to be able to change the pathways in your brain overnight to apply them all. It takes time for them to become natural routines.

2. And that's okay! The inability to apply something right away doesn't mean you aren't growing. It just means, like riding a bike, it's going to take time until you get all the way around the block without falling sometimes. At first you fall several times, then you fall a few times, then less and less. The important part is your continued vigilance in getting back on the bike. Hence, lessons I've begun to learn this past year.

3. There isn't a person in the world you couldn't love if you could read their whole story. I learned this in the most unlikely of ways: watching Breaking Bad. Weird, right? I was so caught off guard by my ability to really feel for, and want the best for, the antagonist: Walter White. But, it's true. It takes on a whole new light when you actually see the whole story from their shoes. (And no, I do not condone meth).

4. Which leads in to, it's not our job anyways to decide if someone is worthy of our love, or not. I have a God for that. My job, is just to love them. Because, He created them. No questions asked.

5. The people that are the hardest to love need it the most. My children (students, I'm not secretly hoarding any in my house) continuously teach me that. And, most often, they show it in very unloving ways. Regardless, it's a defense mechanism, and a secret cry for love.

6. Children are one of the greatest sources from which we can learn. They call me the teacher, but little do they know exactly how much they're teaching me every. single. day.

7. Never turn down the exciting, fun, things you enjoyed as a child just because you're a grown-up. Or, because of the immature mess it could make. You'll never regret those on your death bed (at least I don't think...) Getting soaked in the rain storm, spinning on the playground, and having cookie dough fights are still some of the greatest sources of fun, and pleasure, if we just go for it. For crying out loud, you can take a shower and use some Lysol afterwards, and anyone that's judging you really just needs to join you that much more.

8. The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them. Sometimes, I can spend so much time getting caught up, maybe feeling defensive, about my own choices and others differing views. Many of those times, not all, I think it's been a secret insecurity of doubting my own choices. The more I choose to embrace, and accept, my choices, the less I feel threatened by what others think of them.

9. Things do not have to be perfect to be wonderful. Things has many meanings: my hair, the state of cleanliness in the kitchen, the sold out movie, the traffic jam to a missed event.

10. When things don't go as planned, there's often something even better, or just as enjoyable, that's waiting if we're able to look, and listen, for it with an open heart rather than dwelling on the fact things didn't go as planned.

11. The pursuit of excellence is gratifying, the pursuit of perfection is frustrating, neurotic, and a terrible waste of time. -Edwin Bliss....<-that one has taken MANY years to accept, and is quite the long, slow process. But, acknowledgment is the first step ;).

12. Worrying will not stop any of the bad stuff you fear from happening, it will just stop you from enjoying the good things in front of you. <-another one, slow process. I repeat this one daily.

13. Most of the time, the things you worry about never even happen. Ask me how many things I feared over a certain, unspoken, time span in my life, and how many of them actually came to seed. Maybe 10% of them.

14. The bad things that do happen in our life? There is always, ALWAYS, something good that comes from it if we have an open heart. You may not see it right away, you may not see it directly after. But, there is always something good that can come from it; even if that good is simply growth. The largest mistake in my entire life led to eventually meeting the greatest gift of my entire life: my husband. I would never go back and change that mistake now simply because of that.

15. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made. Note the key word: mistakes. At the time, you did the best you knew how to do. You can only do better once you know better, and that's okay. If God can forgive you, you should forgive yourself also.

16. Never forget your purpose for doing something. When things are difficult, ask yourself your original purpose for that venture. Have you stayed on track? If not, how can you get back on track? That purpose will lead you back to your initial love and joy. Having no purpose is a far greater loss than temporarily losing your way.

17. The older I get, the more I am convinced I am definitely not the one running the show- and that is a good thing. Understanding, and believing, what I was created for has helped me find my passion and purpose in life, and that truly makes all the difference.


18. In order to love others, you need to love yourself. When you love yourself you're not being selfish, you're allowing your inner light and strengths to shine through in order to love and appreciate others fully.

19. Coffee is always a good idea. Unless you have esophagitis, in which case I recommend taking some black licorice (DGL tablets, not the candy) and then enjoying your coffee over ice ;).

20. Collect moments, not things. When I was little, I can still remember the flurry of butterflies whizzing around my stomach on the day of my birthday. The anticipation to open up my presents was almost unbearable! Now, don't get me wrong. I still love getting a present :). But, I've learned that when I look back on previous years, it's the moments I remember. Not the gifts. I can't tell you what I got for my 10th Birthday, I have no clue. But, I can tell you that I remember getting to celebrate at my cousins house with a bounce house and how much fun I had bouncing around with my family. I also have no clue what I got for Christmas two years ago. I definitely remember spending the afternoon with the love of my life at the Eiffel Tower. It's the moments we carry with us.

21. My mom gave me the advice growing up to try and go somewhere, or do something, I really wanted to go/do before I had children. Because, once you have kids it can sometimes be that much harder (not to say kids aren't a wonderful blessing, I adore children). However; I never forgot it, and I took her advice this year (after 3yrs of planning/saving) and booked our trip to Europe. I'm so glad, it's a decision I'll never regret with memories I'll never forget.

22. What's right for one person, isn't necessarily right for another. I learned this one earlier on, but it was a good refresher lesson this year. Just because everyone around you is hopping on the baby express train, it doesn't mean that you have to right away... or even should. It's okay to go at your own pace.

23. How people treat you is not necessarily a reflection of you, many times it's a reflection of themselves. And, the ones that treat you not so nicely when you weren't unkind? They probably need your kindness and love that much more. -That's a really tough one to remember many times.

24.There really isn't much point competing with others (unless it's a tennis match). Life is much more satisfying when you just focus on self growth. After all, don't we hope we all make it?

25. Kale (in my personal, humble opinion) does not taste good. I've tried as hard as I can to like it, but I'm just not feeling the hype. I'll stick with my dose of spinach.

26. 27 is not scary as I once thought...it's actually exciting. It's a miracle I've made it this far, and every Birthday is a reminder that God has given you the gift of another day :).

Now, it's time to go eat some amazing lasagna!

The Gift, and Curse, of Our Impact

It's amazing how little we know, sometimes, about the people's lives around us and how our interactions with them can affect them - for better or worse. Even in the lives of tiny first graders. Especially in lives of tiny first graders.

Today, I was doing an interactive subtraction lesson with my kids. We were using unifix cubes to represent cookies (if there's one thing little kids understand it's cookies). Well, before you know it, instead of building 10 unifix cubes and taking 4 off to represent some being subtracted, or "eaten", some of kids were using them to make finger puppets, or simply hiding them under their legs from their partners. Who would imagine that such a thing could happen in an engaging first grade math lesson? I digress...Anyways, that led to a conversation on how these cubes were our important tools to help us problem solve, and as mature first graders (ha, I know) we needed to be able to use them appropriately right now. Lo, and behond, one of my sweet little ones abruptly started sobbing. Not an embarrassed scowl, not a little mist in the eyes, a full out wailing, hiccuping, cry session. That was definitely not the intended outcome of that little behavior chat.

After finding time to speak privately with her, and then calling her mom to get some more insight, it turns out she was having some huge insecurity issues about being young for her grade. She's on the very young side of first grade. But, she's also bright with an enthusiasm and curiosity for learning. That wasn't what she always saw; though. Turns out, she saw someone that was a "baby" next to the other first graders. Someone who hadn't lost her first tooth yet, and desperately wanted to, when all of the other girls had lost several- and another girl had just lost a tooth again before that math lesson. Lost teeth are a big deal in first grade. A right of passage, a celebratory success of the signs the universe is showing them that they're becoming a "big kid".

My behavior reminder was never intended to make this sweet girl feel badly. And, reflecting back even now, I know I wasn't overly harsh or even feeling harsh during my reminder conversation with the class. However; her reaction alarmed me and jolted me back to the reality that there is so much going on in each and every one of their lives that I just have no clue about.

It's a little strange sounding, but I'm glad the situation happened. I'm not glad my student cried, of course not. But, I am glad that it prompted me to pick up the phone and call mom to let her know, and get her thoughts on it. I'm grateful that it led me to find out more about this child's thought process, and what she was carrying inside of her. I'm grateful because now I can carry some of that into my interactions with her, and perhaps help her see the bright, independent, lucky young first grader that I see. I can think more deeply about what conversations might help her, or do more harm than good.

How many times do we interact with people and affect them for better, or worse, without even realizing it? How much are people carrying that we have no clue about, and our words, or actions, trigger that alarm inside of them...but we never know. I was gifted with the opportunity to find out what was going on with this little girl this time, but how many times have I triggered the alarm without ever knowing, or intending to?

It's hard. Thinking, and being aware of, the hidden alarms and triggers inside of people every time we interact with them. Especially when there's 25 of them all at one time, at the age of six(ish). But it's crucial. I want to get better at it. I'm striving to become more aware. Because even when you're having a bad day, or a bad moment, and you just want the world to stop and disregard you for a moment, it often doesn't. And your words, your actions, they still matter in that moment. The world keeps turning, and your words, your actions, have an impact that you may not even be aware of at the time. So, I want to slow down, breathe, and be more aware. That's my prayer.

Grateful Mondays: 10 Current Favorite Things

It's Monday! Time to prevent the "Monday Blues" by lining up some of my current favorite things that I'm grateful for today. Without further ado....

1. Delightfully colored Autumn leaves.

2. Having that amazing guy above to enjoy them with each day. #bliss #1

3. These chocolate chip cookies...yum!

4. Fall TV premiers: I've missed you, Modern Family!

5. Warm, cozy blankets

6. A wonderful downtown library that provides of plethora of magical books. Currently reading this one:

7. Only a week and a half until this crazy movie comes out! -This book was absolutely captivating...definitely psychotic, but the type you don't put down til you're finished. I get shivers every time I watch the trailer. Can't. Wait.

8. Weekend dinners with my family that are filled with laughs, quirky comments, wafting smells of warm, delicious food, and love.

9. Sunshine. Never underestimate the power of wonderful rays of light, and their healthy dose of vitamin D.

10. Friendships that don't know the boundaries of time and distance.

Changing Life Through Thoughts

"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it." - Eckhart Tolle

Reflecting on my week so far, I'm beginning to support this theory. No, not beginning, I fully agree. A couple years ago, I don't think I would have, but life has a funny way of changing your circumstances in order to gift you with the lessons that you need to learn.

September means many things. Birthdays :), the long awaited return of the cider mill, the giddy anticipation of glorious colored trees, cozy nights with sweatshirts, blankets, and excited crowds at sports games, bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils, and a classroom full of new children with blank slates. I got caught up in the wonder of autumn for a minute, but yes, it's that last one that's the ringer this week. Moment of truth there:

 

That card sums up many recent afternoons in the past few weeks. And, you know, it wasn't feeling that great. In retrospect, I should have known better. After all, it wasn't my first beginning of the school year, and with the new comes intense temporary challenges. But, still, I guess I didn't know better yet. In complete bare honesty, I felt I was failing. No dramatizing intended; just raw truth. And, I definitely did not look at that failure as an opportunity, but simply that: failure. Like I said, I wasn't feeling in my prime. 

However; I think most of it was exactly that: how I was looking at it and thinking about it. A few days later I ended up having an unexpected conversation with someone. One of those where it starts out light and simple: what you intend to just be a quick question, but then turns into a much longer, but very meaningful and impacting, moment. At the end of that conversation, I walked away with a very different view on myself, and my role in the classroom (clue: it didn't include the word failure). Quite simply, and not so simply, that alone seems to have changed everything.

The next day, the vibes and energy from the school day were completely different. I felt relief, purpose, trusting: and it changed how I felt about every aspect of the day in the classroom. Mishaps weren't failures: they were opportunities. Time constraints weren't a ticking time bomb: they were a chance to pick between which things were truly more important in the long run. And my kids? Well, I really feel my internal feelings and beliefs impacted them as well. I saw love, and happiness, in some that I hadn't noted before. Like I said, I think it was a change in them too; maybe not, but either way there was change for the better among some of us at least. And the next day, to my delight, was the same.

 My definition of school in September used to be this: exhausting chaos. Now, it is this: children with blank slates. Why? I'm still in the exact same class. Because, my thinking changed. I hope I'm able to help others someday the way that I was tremendously helped in that single conversation this week. Because, it's really not your situation so much that matters. It's your thoughts about it: they're close to everything.